if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
