I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
