Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
are you so shy because you have an std?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
