Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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