u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
