Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
