Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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