I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
