So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
COCAINE IS GR8
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
