Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
