I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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