I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
