Umm I'm too high to move.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She said her name was "party"
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
