I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
