I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
