I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!�
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
