I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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