My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
It was confusing and full of hummus
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
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