I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
