she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
