you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
