How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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