why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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