I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Everything about him screamed your future.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
