wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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