What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
What's dad's email?
[email protected]
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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