I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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