11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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