Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
