11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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