What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
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