what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I am midnight drunk by noon
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
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