I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
