my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
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