As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
