Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
