Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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