i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
