By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
