Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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