I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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