mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
