I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
