my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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