he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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