HIV tests are more positive than that guy
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
