Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
