im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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