2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
