I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Say something about gay babies.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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