Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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