my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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