Cold hands, warm shart.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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