she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
