so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
