i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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