i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
